Why Gornie Is OffLimits
by All-Knowing Alien 2
Summary: Exactly what it says in the title. A parody, but NOT a MST. First in a series of parodies I plan on writing.


The first in a series of MarySue parodies I plan on writing. Why? Because I'm bored, that's why. And this way I'll have something to fall back on when IWNNN ends. _If_ it ends. (EVIL laughter.) Oh, and although there are mentions of Star Wars, this story will be in the LoTR category.

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or Lord of the Rings.

Warning: A slightly risqué scene, written to capture the full effect of a Sue Story.

**BTW: This story has been completely written by me. I am not making fun of another author's work, I am writing a parody. This is NOT a MST.**

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Krst'all felt someone shaking her. She was about to turn over and ignore _Jang'buir _when she remembered that he never shook her awake (he was more the type to stand in the doorway and bark orders). Then she remembered that he was dead.

And then she remembered the ship chase.

Abruptly she opened her eyes and scrabbled for her lightsaber. It wasn't there. So she grabbed her trusty sword, which was conveniently at her side. Only then did she look around at her surroundings. Had she crashed?

Only inches away, a man squatted, looking surprised. His hand was on the hilt of his own sword, although he did not draw it from his sheath.

"Who are you?" Krst'all barked (**arf, arf**), ignoring the fact that this man was very attractive. "What planet is this? Where is my ship?"

"I know nothing of your ship, although we are nowhere near a lake or the sea. We are in Middle-Earth." His voice was deep and melodious and like music to Krst'all's ears. She ignored this. "And my name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. I am the King of Gondor."

Too late she noticed that he wore a circlet on his head, pushed back so that it gave him a rakish appearance. Krst'all now could not deny that the man was deliciously fine-looking. But where was Gondor? Was it in the Outer Rim, or something like that? Krst'all shrugged inwardly and sat up properly. She set her sword down, and pushed her fiery red locks from her face. Her fringe (which was pure white) was left hanging in front of her eye-patch.

"Who are you, my lady?"

Krst'all started. She had forgotten to introduce herself. (As her abusive mother would say, she had complete disregard for her manners. But she had left her past behind, just like she had left her mother behind, all those years ago.)

"My name is Krst'all Purrpleros Kaoeihrsrkkllkaere Fett. I'm from Coruscant, or at least I was born there." And then (**ignoring all common rules of information-revealed-during-first-meetings**) she said, with tears gathering in the corner of her good eye, "You see, my father left my mother when I was just two years old. This destroyed my poor mother, and she turned to drink. Unfortunately, she was a violent drunk, and often abused me – both physically and mentally. She blamed me for my father's leaving, you see."

The Man – no, no, Aragorn – made a sympathetic sound and patted her hand. "I understand. I myself was not abused, but my ex-lover Legolas was mistreated by his evil father, Thranduil."

"Ex-lover?" Krst'all asked, trying to keep jealousy and disappointment out of her voice.

There was a sad smile on his face, making him seem all the more handsome. (A/N: And we all know how handsome he is, tee hee!) "Yes. He died not too long ago."

Now it was her turn to pat his hand, although she did not let go. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be." Now his voice had turned bitter, and his gray eyes seemed to focus on something far away. "He and his _true love_ Arwen Undomiel jumped off the waterfall near Amon Hen (**actually called the Falls of Rauros, which should be known by Aragorn, and should be known to the author, had she actually read the books**) because King Elrond wouldn't let them get married." (A/N: I know Aragorn is supposed to fall in love with Arwen, but I think Aragorn/Legolas slash is hawt. And anyway, Aragorn is going to fall in love with someone else in this story, so I had to get rid of Legolas and Arwen. Elrond is a meanie anyway. **Yes, and that justifies destroying his character. Let me tell you that this paragraph makes my brain hurt.**)

There was an awkward silence. There was, after all, not much to say after being told _that_. After a while, Krst'all decided that she would continue with her story. "And at school (**or the Star Wars equivalent thereof**) everyone used to tease and bully me – because I had Force powers and because of my white hair, they called me a freak. And they thought I was lying about my mother abusing me – because she always acted nice to me in public."

"That must have been so hard for you."

She nodded, finding that Aragorn brushing his fingers on the back of her hand was very distracting. She longed to have those fingers brush…_other_ parts of her. (**I cannot believe I just typed that.**)

"I ran away from home when I was fifteen."

"So young!" Aragorn exclaimed, his silver eyes wide and surprised.

She blushed, and ducked her head. "I know. But I couldn't take it anymore. My _mother_ –" Krst'all spat the word out like something that was spat out (**You know…like **_**spit**_**.**) – "had abused me again, and my schoolmates had teased me again, and I just – ran."

"Where did you go?"

"Well, I went to the ship port and snuck onto a ship. (**I'm quite sure 'snuck' isn't the past tense of 'sneak', but my spell check isn't complaining…**) I was found by a bounty hunter named Jango Fett, who – after telling him of my past – decided to adopt me. So he trained me to be a bounty hunter, and I became the first ever bounty hunter with Force powers by the age of seventeen."

Aragorn looked suitably impressed (**although canon dictates that he not know what 'the Force' is, much less be awed by a Star-Wars-mangling-MarySue**) and exclaimed, "So you are a warrior! There are no female warriors here – I'm sure you are very brave and strong."

(**And let us just pretend that females like Luthien and Eowyn don't exist in Middle-Earth, what?**)

Krst'all blushed again, but gamely continued. "Anyway, Jango was murdered when I was seventeen – all because of some stupid war. I was so angry when I saw him dead – I just blacked out. I didn't know what I did until after I did it."

"What did you do?" the Man asked, breathless with anticipation. (A/N: Whoa, Aragorn breathless, isn't that hawt? **Oh, gods, I need t3h brain bleach.**)

"I single-handedly wiped out the Sith, brought peace to the galaxy, ended slavery and destroyed the Death Stick trade," she replied modestly.

The King's awe doubled. She had destroyed the Sith by herself – how powerful she was! (A/N: Sauron's like a Sith, rite? I mean, he's evil and all…anyway, its just fanfiction! **Yes, that 'its' instead of 'it's' was intentional.**)

"Wow," he said, (**most ineloquent**) looking her up and down and wondering how such a beautiful woman could be such a great warrior. I mean, she wore her waist length fiery red hair tightly braided, except the lock of pure white hair that was left free. How absolutely mysterious and intriguing that she have white hair, seeing as she could not be older than twenty – she was so beautiful and young looking.

Speaking of looking, Krst'all had the most beautiful emerald eyes. Or, Aragorn amended, the most beautiful emerald _eye_. The left eye was covered by an eye-patch. (**It remains to be seen whether she actually needs said eye-patch – haha, remains to be seen…you know; eye, seen? Haha?**) He wondered what had happened to her.

Her nose was straight and cute, while her lips were full and pouty ('and utterly kissable,' Aragorn thought to himself). Her ears were slightly pointy at the tips (**DUN, DUN, DUNNN!**) which made him frown a little. She would be a young Elf indeed, if her story were true. What was he saying? Of course she was telling the truth – there was no way someone as exquisite as her could ever _lie. _(**Yeah. Like history hasn't proven to us that Evil's most favourite form is beauty.**)

As she stood to join him (**although he had been squatting by her side just a few seconds ago**) he could also see that Krst'all was tall and willowy. Her tight fitting, yet modest, tunic showed off her muscles, although she still looked lean. (A/N: Not buff, omg. **Oh yes. Heaven forbid.**)

Suddenly their eyes met, and neither of them could take it anymore. It did not matter that they had just met (**and should be wary of each other**). They were bonded by their pasts. They were both warriors. They were both beautiful. They were both single. (**And that last reason is the most important.**)

They grabbed each other and started kissing passionately. Instantly, as their lips locked, they knew that they were meant for each other. (**You know, although they're from different fandoms, and he's more than four times her age. But, hey, lust is lust, right?**) Aragorn gently lowered Krst'all onto the grass (**and dirt and mud and bugs and…**) and covered her body with his (**and squished her. The end.**), all without breaking their kiss.

(**I promised myself I wouldn't write this. I really did. But…I needed the realism…gods, I really need brain bleach.**)

(A/N: This is my first time writing a sex scene, so be nice, okay?!)

Krst'all's mouth fused with Aragorn's, her hands tangled in that soft black hair. The Man's hands found their way down Krst'all's chest, and under her shirt. The bounty hunter moaned in pleasure as Aragorn's hands did wicked things underneath the flimsy material.

Running his tongue along Krst'all's lower lip, he wordlessly asked for permission for entrance and was granted with a moan and the parting of Krst'all's lips. Their tongues battled for dominance, dancing with scorching passion, fencing against one another.

Aragorn abruptly pulled away, leaving Krst'all cold and confused. He looked at her with intense mercurial (**also intentional**) eyes. "Do you want this, Krst'all?" he stated (**although one normally asks a question**), his voice deeper and huskier than normal.

Her only answer was to twine her arms around his neck (**and strangle him. The end**) and kiss him.

They removed each others' clothers (**intentional**) and soon there were no clothes separating them. At a whispered plea from Krst'all, Aragorn groaned, and then sheathed himself deep within her.

(**Gag. Seriously, GAG.**)

Their orgasms hit them at the exact same time, and after the bliss they lay there, panting. After regaining their breaths again, Krst'all stared into Aragorn's silver eyes for a long time, while he stared into her emerald ones. (**Actually, to be accurate, her emerald **_**one**_** and eye-patch.**) The both of them felt the same tranquillity, the same sense of belonging, the same (**sameness?**) feeling of rightness.

And they both said, at the same time, "I love you."

**Alright. I officially cannot take this. (Although I did write it.)**

"Estel! What is the meaning of this?"

Krst'all jumped. Who was this woman who dared intrude on their private time? And who was this Estel person anyway? (A/N: Yeah, who's this Estel dude?) To her surprise, Aragorn answered the mystery woman (**who was an Elf, actually**). He also seemed to have donned his clothes in record time – or had they been on all this time?

"Arwen! I…I have no idea what happened. I came here to gather firewood and I found this girl…but I cannot for the life of me remember why she is unclothed!" The ranger went up to his wife and touched her face gently. "Please believe me."

(A/N: Wait! I said Arwen died!)

Krst'all frowned and belatedly started putting her clothes back on. Aragorn had called the woman Arwen – but hadn't he earlier said that she died? And he was supposed to love _her_, not some Arwen.

Meanwhile, Arwen broke the silence. "You are not lying," she said, smiling at her husband. "However, I do not like the fact that this girl has somehow bewitched you."

Krst'all bristled at this. "Excuse me, but I didn't bewitch anybody! He came on to _me_!" And while this is not strictly true, the redhead would stick to this story. No **censored** would take her man! And certainly no one who claimed to be someone who had died a long time ago!

The queen narrowed her eyes. "You must be mistaken. This man is my husband."

(A/N: This isn't what I wrote!)

One wide green eye turned to Aragorn beseechingly, as much as one eye can be beseeching. "This isn't true is it? I thought you loved me!"

The man looked truly sorry (or was it pitying?) as he stood next to Arwen and wrapped an arm around her waist. "Arwen is, and always will be my wife and love. I do not know who you are, but perhaps I remind you of someone you love?"

"I do not think that is the case, Estel. I think she is a servant of the Enemy. Who else would have weapons like that?"

"Now look here –"

"How can you be sure, my love?" Aragorn asked, ignoring Krst'all in favour of his beautiful wife.

"She has managed to bewitch you with some fey craft. Perhaps she is a shapeshifter like Thuringwethil was – for I am sure there are no Elves with red hair and green eyes."

(A/N: Who cares!? She's special!)

"I'm not evil!" Krst'all shouted, jumping to her feet. She pointed her forefinger at Arwen accusingly. "And you're supposed to be dead! He said you were DEAD!"

Unfortunately (**heh, yeah right**) for Krst'all, both Aragorn and Arwen assumed that 'he' referred to an unnamed Enemy, as opposed to Aragorn. This was suspicious, of course, because they now think that Krst'all wanted Arwen dead. This made them angry.

Seeing as Aragorn's sword was lying on the ground next to a pile of firewood, Arwen stepped forward, unsheathing her curved Elvish blade. She had made it a point to spar with Aragorn from time to time, so the King was not too worried for his wife's safety – even if Arwen was wearing a riding dress and not leggings.

Krst'all scowled and picked up her sword.

(A/N: Yeah, you gonna get your butt kicked, **censored**!)

However, the redhead promptly dropped it. Since when had her sword been this heavy? She bent down to pick it up, warily looking out for Arwen, who had maintained a safe a distance and was watching her with a blank face. Krst'all had to hold her sword with both hands, and it was a little wobbly, but at least she didn't drop it again.

Both women (**or, actually one Elf and one wannabe Elf**) circled each other. Krst'all attacked first, her movements noticeably slower than usual, and she was parried easily by Arwen. A few blows later and Krst'all found herself without her sword. She blinked. How had that happened?

(A/N: Hey! Krst'all was trained by Jango Fett in swordsmanship! **Yes, well, Jango Fett knows nothing about swordsmanship, so…**)

"Who do you work for?"

Krst'all didn't answer. This was the time for her to use her Force powers. She raised her hand, intending to throw Arwen a long way away. However, Arwen stayed where she was, and Krst'all now had a sharp pain in her belly. She looked down.

Arwen's sword. Was in her. Ow.

(A/N: What? She can't die! **Yes, she can. There is no such thing as the Force in Lord of the Rings.**)

When Arwen removed her sword and stepped back, Krst'all fell to her knees. And, right before the eyes of the King and Queen of Gondor, she…_changed_. Her hair became shoulder length, brown and lifeless. The eye-patch disappeared, and her eyes matched her hair. If she was pale, it was due to the amount of blood she had lost. In fact, the girl also looked a lot younger than Krst'all had been, if that was possible. Very much like a human teenager.

The girl glared at Arwen. "A/N: I can't believe this! Aragorn belongs to me, not to you! He deserves better! He –"

She died.

Arwen and Aragorn exchanged glances, both mystified. That was a very odd message. (**I agree. I don't know anyone who can pronounce a forward slash and a colon.**) Ah well. At least the creature's true identity and purpose had been found. However, the two of them piled the gathered firewood onto her body and set fire to the corpse. It would not do to let wild animals feast on her flesh. They were not that cruel.

They were, however, in love. Have been, and will be until they die. They returned to Minas Tirith the next day, and put the incident out of their minds.

In a galaxy far, far away, Jango Fett finally finished rolling in his grave. Or the Star Wars equivalent thereof.

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That was fun. Anyone who has read IWNNN can probably recognise this from chapter 19, as Aragorn's Sue Story. For anyone who has not read IWNNN, go read it now! And don't forget to review!

Alien.


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